8 years.  I remember wondering how I was going to make it through the day…  Now I have made it 8 years.  How is it possible?

The human spirit is amazing.  We can move forward even when we think it is impossible.  This is part of the healing process.

So what are the secrets to moving forward?

1. Prayer and Meditation

2. Friends and Loved Ones, our Family of Choice

3. Deciding on a Life Purpose

4. Celebrating the Loved One we lost in a meaningful way through charity, writing, doing.

5. Finding a way to leave our heart print with others.  Deciding what is meaningful and important in life.  Making life changes.

What has worked for you?

That is a tough one to answer because, it may not get any better, but it is different.  Those edges are not as sharp.

A big difference is that it feels as if the world has moved on… Everyone continues with their life.  I don’t hear from people on Levi’s birthday or the anniversary  like I did in the early years after his passing.  So, I work on acceptance.  I celebrate him.

I wrote in the book about a “sign” that I got from him to listen to music and the code word between Levi and I was “dance”.  On that day I was traveling in Los Angeles and I got in the rental car, scanned for the first station that was clear and put the car in reverse…  Garth Brooks singing “The Dance” came on…  the words are perfect.

The Dance lyrics
Songwriters: Arata, Tony;

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king

But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey, who’s to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance

Yes, my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.

( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/garth-brooks-lyrics/the-dance-lyrics.html )

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I feel blessed that I had  a 20 year dance.

Happy Birthday Levi

September 18, 1983 – November 16, 2003

For me, this is a particularly tough day.

When Levi passed, I questioned, “Am I still a Mom?”.  Now I know clearly, that yes, I will always be Levi’s Mom.  My child is in the spiritual form, not the physical form and he is with me every day of my life.

My preference would be to receive that personal hug, the flowers from the FTD florist and the card from Halmark.  The commercial part of Mothers Day drills in the expectations.

As the years have passed, I notice that people have forgotten that I am a Mom and I do feel left out of the celebration.  What this means is I have to take responsibility for it myself.  I decide ahead of time, how I will spend the day, how I will celebrate the day.

I make it a good day but I can also say, when I put my head down on that pillow last night, I thought…  I made it through another Mothers Day.  I tell you this because I want to normalize this feeling of just getting through the day.  Sometimes, its the best we can do.  It is okay.

So Happy Mothers Day to all of you.  Please share how you made this Mothers Day special for you.

Hugs.

Yes, there are professionals who specialize in grief counseling and grief therapy, but there are still many places to seek support.  Do what is comfortable for you.

Do not forget churches, synagogues, community centers, and neighborhood centers where support persons gather. On a personal side, friends and family are support systems that are  there for support. This is for the death of a loved one, and continues during the rituals after the death. In our modern culture we expect immediate gratification, but after personal experience I have discovered that everyone processes grief at a different rate. Some cope and adapt to a death better than others while others never successfully get through grief.

Grief counseling and grief therapy is not for everyone.  It is not a “cure all” for every one. The goal is to find your new “norm”.  After a loved one dies they remain part of your life and you now develop this new relationship with the person that  has passed on.  The task is to adjust your life goals to successfully include this loss.

I would always do my homework and make sure the  group leader has some experience and even better, is credentialed. A good counselor guides the discussion and offers encouragement.  The leader and the participants share strategies for coping that have worked for them.

Coping with the loss of a child is tough. You may need a group that can handle the specifics of this kind of loss.  It helps to be with people who have experienced a similar tragic event particularly if members of the group are further down the road of grief recovery than you are. They can give strategies and support better than those that have not experienced this kind of grief. Grief can sometimes lead a sufferer to feel as though no one else understands his or her pain; a specific grief support group can help eliminate this feeling of isolation.

Don’t forget there are online support groups.  If this is the best you can do, then start here.  Personal contact is best but get your support from where you are comfortable.  If face to face meetings are difficult, an online support group is a good start.  This can be a first step to attending an actual face to face meeting.

Making that first step is the toughest.  If you need support, ask a friend to go with you to your first meeting.

Denial – The brain cannot take in this information so it denies it.  Over time, we know, it is true.

Anger – Unfortunately, we look for someone or some thing to blame.  Anger can become a very ugly place where we stay.  At some point we have to acknowledge the event and move away from the anger but know that anger is part of the process.  Just don’t get stuck there.

Bargaining – We attempt to bargain with God, the higher power.  We may even have some fantasy thinking that if we had done something different, this event would not have happened.

Depression – There is a numbness that sets in.  You do not care about anything.  There does not seem to be a reason to care.  The anger may still be there along with sadness.

Acceptance – With time you are able to accept this new reality.  It takes time… A LOT of time.  Do not give yourself days.  Give yourself years.

I particularly find certain songs to be comforting.  Often they remind me of Levi, I may remember him singing or dancing to them, or the words are powerful. Garth Brooks has a song, “The Dance” which brings me to tears.  When I hear this song, I believe Levi is sending me a message.

On an anniversary of his passing, someone asked me if I had received any signs from Levi.  I answered “no” but I knew he was with me.  I was out at dinner at the time. When I went to leave, the owner of the restaurant rushed over and said, please, don’t go.  My father wants to sing you a song.

So, I sat down and his father came over with his guitar.  I was expecting Mariachi because I was in Mexico in a Mexican restaurant.  He sang, “I Did It My Way”.

That was Levi…

1.     Shock.  Total disbelief.

2.    Pain and guilt.  Your body reacts physically.  I got nauseous every time I remembered what was happening.  It is natural to have guilt over not doing or saying specific things to our loved one that passed.

3.    Anger and Bargaining.  We have all this bottled up anger that may get released on those involved with the passing or those we blame for the passing.  God can be a receiver of this anger too.

4.    Depression.  When everyone goes home and resumes their life, you are left with this deep sadness and despair.   It is difficult for others to understand that have not walked this walk.  This is a good time to seek a good grief counselor.  You need an objective listener.

5.    Adjusting.  You don’t think it will happen but it does…  Life seems to be calmer.  The depression lifts a bit and you begin to take part in the living.  Your mind clears.  You may find yourself laughing, whistling or singing.

6.    Problem Solving.  There are practical decisions that need to be made and you need to redefine what you want to do with your life.  If you have the financial freedom, you may want to do some charitable work in your loved ones honor.  Find a purpose.

7.    Becoming hopeful about Living.  Begin to look forward to your future.  Your loved one that has passed will be proud of you.  They are your cheering squad.  Your loved one would not want you to waste your precious life in sadness.

I am a social worker and psychologist so I am familiar with Kubler Ross but I still needed to review her work as I personally went through the stages of grief.

Kubler- Ross originally wrote these for those suffering from terminal illness, personal loss, death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, chronic illness, tragedies and disasters.  The stages may not occur in order.  It is a roller coaster ride.

There is no right way or wrong way to go through the stages and you cannot rush it. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.

A Comment From Dr Debi About Losing Your Only

My current book, Losing Your Only is written to the Parents or Loved Ones that have lost an only child. This book is written from my own personal experience. When my only child was killed in a car accident, my life took a different path. I was living in Shanghai China. He was going to college in USA. In my grief, I discovered that my purpose is to motivate, and support parents and all clients live to their life potential. Losing a child is horrific, losing an only child brings it up a notch. So what do we do with that kind of experience? We have decisions to make. We can live or we can die with the child. I decided not only to live, but to thrive.

Click here for more information on the book.